


looking around, maybe this is enough

by queerfawn



Series: redefining bravery [7]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Borderline Personality Disorder, Domestic Fluff, Engagement, Fluff, Kinda?, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, PTSD, Self Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, THEYRE SAD BUT THEYRE GONNA BE HAPPY DAMMIT, This is a wild unedited ride, Wedding Proposal, idfk lets leave it at that, proposal, uhh i think that covers the sad tags?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-08-15 07:18:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8047429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerfawn/pseuds/queerfawn
Summary: "What is it babe?" He asked, settling on the floor beside his boyfriend. He noted a vaguely familiar piece of paper clutched in his hand though he couldn't quite place its origins.In place of words John passed him the paper and absently tugged down his sleeves. Alexander was well familiar with the combination of 'notice me notice I'm not okay take care of me please' and 'nobody can know'.





	looking around, maybe this is enough

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't read if you're triggered by suicide or mentions of self harm. Your well being is important.
> 
> AHHH okay this starts as Alexander's view of the suicide attempt from... Whatever installment that was. I didn't edit this because I've had a rlly bad several days but I remember I wasn't pleased with the note so... Forgive that. Also any Weird words are bc this was written in my phone as usual and autocorrect is terrible.

Alexander, more than anything, was tired. He was suicidal and riddled with anxiety and depressed and his personality disorder helped nothing. But he was just so damn tired.

He'd been planning it for weeks now, had been waiting for the right time and enough energy to follow through. He'd had an opportunity the weekend before but he'd been happy for once, had forgotten all about his plans as his head filled with John's kind words. He could barely remember it now.

He didn't have a gun nor the rope necessary for a noose. Plus, he thought to himself, neither would be very pleasant if they failed. He smiled slightly at the painkillers he'd gotten from a dealer on campus before placing them on the table next to the bed he shared with John. John. He deserved so much better. Alexander hoped he'd be able to move on quickly.

Quickly Alexander found a pen and paper, hands shaking and breathing quick with both fear and excitement. He'd thought out his note ages ago, had planned in as much detail as he could. He hoped John at least found comfort in his last written words.

"John,  
I assume you are the one who has found me as no one else is likely to be in out apartment or care enough about me to seek out my location. I'm sorry you have to read my last thoughts, that you have to find me like this at all. Know it is not your fault and there's nothing you could do to stop me.  
It's not like I have much but I want you to have my things. You can do whatever you want with them, but they're yours. And I don't want to be buried in a casket, it's a waste of money. A natural burial or cremation would be preferred, though if you come up with something more creative by all means do that.  
I love you, okay? None of this is your fault. You could have done nothing to stop me and little or nothing to help make me better. I don't think there would have been a 'better' for me. Your existence has delayed the inevitable and for that I am thankful. The times I spent with you were the best I've ever had.  
With love,  
Alexander"

Exhaling shakily he placed the note beside him and suddenly the energy he had didn't seem to he enough. He was crushingly exhausted, wanted to curl up next to John and nap almost more than anything. Almost. He had to follow through this time- nothing was going to change, he just had to.

Swallowing the pills was almost too easy. He was almost afraid of what it would feel like to die, what slipping away into nothing would entail. He wondered what his last thought would be. Suddenly he was hit with the need to text John, to say something to him before he was gone.

From: Alexander, to: Love Of My Life <3: I'm sorry. Please don't miss me.

From: Alexander, to: Love Of My Life <3: I love you

The second text never sent.

—————

It was a year later and Alexander was on top of the world. He had an internship with Professor Washington, had been clean for months, rarely felt exhausted like he had, and had been lucky enough to keep John through it all. He never could've imagined this outcome and wouldn't have had it any other way.

Of course, John had fallen into several of his old habits as his mental state plummeted and he uncovered repressed traumas. But he was much better at coping than Alexander had been and was trying his best and he was unbelievably proud of him.

John was currently cleaning the bedroom while Alexander made dinner. He truly loved cooking. He wasn't quite sure why but it relaxed him and he always enjoyed eating the end product. But he wasn't particularly focused on the task at hand, and was more concerned with the box burning a hole in his pocket.

He and John had discussed getting married since he'd been in the hospital a year ago. He had been afraid, then, that John would fall out of love. That he would realize the mistake he made dating him and leave him on the side of the road. Today he was confident in their future, happy but nervous. He supposed that spoke for how far he'd come.

"Alexander," John's voice surprised him enough to earn a small jump. "Can you tell me what this says?"

Alex cocked a brow in confusion but flicked off the burner and followed his boyfriends voice back to the bedroom. John kneeled near their bed, surrounded by things he presumed had once been lost under the bed and just dragged out. His hair was mussed and he didn't look like he'd slept very well last night. The sleeves of his sweater were pushed up to his elbows, revealing marks that looked fresh. Alexander decided not to ask now, he'd let John bring it up first if he was comfortable. If there were more soon, though, he'd have to bring it up.

"What is it babe?" He asked, settling on the floor beside his boyfriend. He noted a vaguely familiar piece of paper clutched in his hand though he couldn't quite place its origins.

In place of words John passed him the paper and absently tugged down his sleeves. Alexander was well familiar with the combination of 'notice me notice I'm not okay take care of me please' and 'nobody can know'. "It looks like you handwriting and it's too-" He flapped his hands around a bit, making Alex smile just slightly. "- anxious for me to decipher."

Alexander squinted at the sloppy writing and crumpled paper and his heart fell. His note. He didn't know how it had ended up shoved under the bed but he wasn't happy it had chosen today to reveal itself. Almost immediately he folded if back up and tossed it aside. "Just nonsense ramblings about a story or somethings I scrapped." He forced a smile. He was a terrible liar.

John cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow. For the first time he recognized the same desperate exhaustion on John's face he himself was so intimately familiar with. "I don't believe you. Come on Alex, what is it? Is it embarrassing?"

Alexander forced a laugh. "Not really. It's- it's not good though."

John bit his lip and took his hand. "Alex," He spoke softly and Alexander's stomach started doing anxious flips. "I think I already know."

He nodded cautiously and let out a slow breath. "It was my note."

"Can you read it?" John's voice sounded close to breaking and Alexander's heart with it. Shakily, he nodded and began to read.

When he finished John nearly tackled him in a hug, crushing grip making it difficult to breathe. But he couldn't complain. "I love you. I never want to live through that again, I promise I won't make you."

Alex nodded, burying his face in his boyfriends shoulder. "I love you," He whispered and then they were both saying it near obsessively. He never wanted to let go, but he assumed now was as good as any time for a proposal.

"John?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something? I promise it isn't bad or confrontational."

John pulled back, nodding and waiting for him to speak. Letting out a breath Alexander did his best to retrieve the ring box from his pocket with some level of stealth. "I love you more than I could possibly explain. I wrote this speech dozens of different ways but I decided to just wing it, which I may regret. I could've written sonnets about the depths of your eyes and the way you smile and how you simply make my heart take flight. As you just saw you gave me a reason to live and even when I didn't think I could go on you stayed by my side. I want to be that person for you, John. I know you're not doing well right now but I know you're gonna make it through this stronger than ever and I want to be able to say I'm proud of you and that I stayed by you the whole time when you come out the other end. I want to be the couple that redefines bravery, I want people to see and wish they were as strong and happy as we are. Gods, I'm rambling. What I want to say is- will you marry me?"

The band was simple and Alexander hoped it didn't look like he was too cheap to go for anything fancier. His fear vanished when he saw the tears in John's eyes and his curls bouncing as he nodded.

"Yes, fuck yes," He rasped, pulling Alexander back into his arms.

They barely moved the rest of the night, laying in the floor surrounded by the objects cataloguing the time they'd spent together. They forgot about the meal Alex had been half way through preparing as well as any fear buzzing in the back of their minds. For tonight, at least, they were happy. For tonight, and every night after, they were enough.

**Author's Note:**

> This might be the end of this series holy crap  
> Comment any thoughts n stuf???


End file.
